Welcome to my Squad
by zero yasha
Summary: What happens when the most unappropriate people are put into certain squads? Insanity of course! Please R&R!
1. Welcome to Squad Ten

Okay, obviously, Bleach does not belong to me, in case for some reason you thought that it did, thus here's the disclaimer. The only characters that belong to me in _this chapter_ are Eon, my muse, and the random people that pop up to torture Toshiro (Obviously not including the Bleach characters). This fic will probably just have five to twelve chapters, depending on how many characters that I can scare up to torture the other squad captains in Soul Society. So far, I only have one for Squad's 10, 12, 11, 6 and 2. So now that I'm done explaining things, sit back, and enjoy!

Also, the characters Axel and Hikaru belong to Miffin the Turtle/The Pudding Fiend.

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**Welcome to Squad 10: Toshiro's Nightmare**

It was close to the deadline, Matsumoto had disappeared to who knows where, and a choir of miscreants continued pop in and call him 'whitey-chan' every five minutes.

Toshiro ran his fingers through his white hair, before yanking it hard. His office...or at least the _remains_ of his office had paper everywhere, most of which were _very_ important documents that he _going_ to give to the General of the Court Divisions, and the entire right side of the office was scorched. There was graffiti written on the door that read, 'do not disturb, midgets at work' and he _couldn't_ find his favourite coffee mug anywhere.

_How,_ in the name of Soul Society, did today turn out like this?

-----------------Morning of _The Day_: Four hours to total destruction------------------

Toshiro Hitsugaya sat in his office, rushing over a number of documents that he found hidden under the sofa, no doubt Matsumoto's doing. Today was their deadline, yet his irresponsible vice-captain had not even signed, or even looked over _one_ of them; given the fact that they were given to her three and a half months ago, even before the infiltration of Soul Society.

He sighed, before lowering his head onto his desk tiredly. Today was not a good day for him. Not only did he have all of this to work on, the new recruits were joining the squads today! His vice-captain pulled a Houdini act on him, and vanished without a trace, most likely drinking with the eleventh squad; and to top it all off, he couldn't find his favourite coffee mug to get his caffeine intake for the day. What a _lovely_ day it was turning out to be for him.

A knock came from the door, and Toshiro quickly raised his head, and continued to look over the documents, as if he hadn't taken the breather.

"Come in." He said, his voice sounding as serious as ever.

The door opened a crack as the red-headed vice-captain peeked into the office.

"H-hello, Captain!" She announced carefully, though the glare that Toshiro gave her did not help matters in the least. "I...er...you didn't find those...did you...?" She asked, noticing the files that he was looking over.

"Oh no, I didn't _find_ them." Toshiro said, signing one of the files and putting it into a neat pile onto the corner of the desk. "I'd say that _they_ found me, as I sat onto the couch, only to fall over _with_ it." He said, pointing at the overturned couch, obviously put off balance with the number of files that Rangiku had attempted to hide under it.

She giggled nervously. "Well, um...Captain Zaraki sent me here to come and get you for the passing ceremony..." She said, with a small hiccup.

Toshiro slowly put his pen down; a vein showing on his head. He _knew_ it. She _was_ drinking with Squad Eleven! This was the _seventh_ time this week, and it was only _Tuesday_!

"Then, let's go." He said, as calmly as he could. At times, he wondered how Rangiku even _made_ it into this squad. Surely her...unorganized abilities could better serve elsewhere.

The new recruits were lined up side-by-side in the courtyard, not far from tenth squad's main branch. Toshiro walked casually, along side Rangiku, the rest of his squad following him in an orderly fashion. Once they reached their spot, in between Kenpachi's eleventh squad, and Shuhei Hisagi's (The vice captain's) ninth squad, they halted, and faced the recruits.

There were new faces of Shinigami, all shapes and sizes. Some were tall and strong, others were thin, but most likely fast. Toshiro could not help but wonder what type of Shinigami he would receive into his squad today, hopefully ones with better organized than Rangiku at least.

It was that, _one_ thought, which probably threw off that balance of this day completely. That was only how Toshiro could see it anyway, looking back on this disastrous day.

The General of the Court Divisions, Captain Yamamoto, began his usual speech of introduction, noting how Shinigami of the past, present, and future, will and have all fought valiantly for the sake of both Soul Society, and the Living World. He spoke of the hardships that Soul Society had just faced, with the betrayal of fifth squad captain, Aizen, as well as third squad's captain, Gin Ichimaru, and ninth squad's captain Tosen.

Toshiro did not need to move his head to see the hard expressions of the vice-captains of third and ninth's squad's faces; and fifth squad did not even _have_ a vice-captain in their place. The fifth squad seemed lost, their expressions clouded with grief, as well as some looking at one another, unsure of how to act for such an occasion.

Finally, the General of the Court Divisions finished his speech, ending it off by noting how there were fewer Shinigami this year than the last, and approached the recruits. He handed each of them a small scroll, and congratulated them for passing the training. Once all of the new recruits received their scrolls, containing which squad that they were in, or so it seemed, the General of the Court Divisions dismissed everyone to go and find their squads.

That was when _they_ came in...

"_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIITTTT!_" Yelled a high pitched voice, before three more new recruits came running up from the roofs, before jumping down, just before the rest of the Shinigami.

The first two, one thin and around 5'8", with a lightning bolt tattoo through one of her eyes, and the second, short with long silver hair, landed perfectly. The third one, though, much taller and broader than the other two, _fell_ from the roofs, and landed face-first into the cold floor of Seireitei.

He didn't more.

Panic filled the air as some of the new recruits, most likely the unfortunate fourth squad-to-be's, called out "Is he okay?!"

The large Shinigami still did not stir, but the black-haired one leaned down and poked him.

"Are you okay, Hikki?" She asked.

The blonde-haired boy stuck his head up instantly, and looked around, (even though his eyes were shut...) before slowly pushing himself up, and saying, "Yes." In the most monotonous way that Toshiro had _ever_ heard in his life. And he did not have a short one, contrarily to how he appeared.

The shortest one waved her hands wildly, obviously in a desperate attempt to come up with something to say to General of the Court Divisions. He of course, though, only smiled at the three of them, before handing them their scrolls as well.

"Thanks, old dude!" The black haired one said cheerfully. Whether he took it to offence or not, no one really knew, but the General only said back to the three of them,

"Do not make this a habit." And headed back inside of Seireitei.

Other than the interruption of the end, it was a pretty normal ceremony, no? Little did he know, what chaos this would invoke for later...

---------------------------------_The Day_: Three hours to total Destruction---------------------------

Toshiro sat in his office, yet again attempting to finish the pile-full of work that Matsumoto had left him to do. He read through the sheets quickly, now beginning to skip lines after he understood the point of the document.

'Property damage from the invasion''Squad twelve demanding a raise''A letter of complaint about Matsumoto...'

He signed all of them without even thinking, and placed them into three separate piles, each depending on who or where they would be sent. He then grabbed another sheet, and began to read over it, almost not hearing the light knock that came from the door.

"Come in." He said without looking up, as the short girl from the ceremony from before entered the room.

"Uh...Hi!" She announced, the white and blue dog that she was carrying barking in agreement.

Toshiro looked up for a moment at her and, what he presumed was her pet, before going back to signing his papers.

"I see that you have made it into my squad." He noted, signing yet another complaint about Matsumoto becoming drunk in the twelve-squad's labs.

"Yeah!" She chirped, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "Nice to meet you, oh cap-i-tan!" and she attempted a solute, only to, for one thing, drop the dog, who howled loudly with shock, and two, stab herself in the eye.

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!_" She yelled, rolling on the floor in agony, the dog jumping out of her way.

Toshiro stood up, dropping the files that he was just holding as he ran over to the other side of his desk, only to step onto the dog's tail.

The puppy howled in agony as well, and the sudden shock knocked Toshiro back, into his desk.

It was like slow motion as files from the three, organized piles tipped over, onto the high, unorganized, and unsigned pile, and onto the floor.

Toshiro stopped himself from screaming at the girl, who was still rolling around in pain; or at east, that was until the dog that was with her started to run around in wild circles, little spikes of its fur sticking into files, and spreading them into an even bigger mess than it already was.

"RECRUIT!" Toshiro yelled, the girl slowly stopping in front of his feet, but the dog only howled once more, before racing out the open door, some files still attached to its back.

The girl stood up slowly, rubbing the eye that she stabbed, and looked at him, nearly at eye level.

"What in the _name_ of Soul Society did you think that you were doing, bringing a _pet_ into here?!" He demanded.

The girl stood there for a moment, then looked confused.

"What pet?" She asked.

Toshiro was now more furious than ever today.

"The _dog_!" He yelled.

The girl gasped.

"_DOG_?! Aisu is _not_ a _dog_, or a _pet_!" She said, pointing at Toshiro. "She's a trusted companion, like you and your captain!"

Even though it has happened so many times before, Toshiro could not help but let it get under his skin this time.

"And _my_ captain?" He asked, a vein appearing on his head. "I _am_ the captain of tenth squad!" He announced, standing on his toes in an attempt to seem taller then the girl. It did not work very well.

She stared at him for a moment, before bursting into hysterical laughter.

"Y-you?! Ca-captain?!" She asked through laughs. She began to clutch her stomach she was laughing so hard. "You're not even taller than _me_!"

Toshiro's vein seemed to grow with every laugh.

"_ENOUGH!_" He yelled, jabbing a finger hard into her chest. "I _am_ your captain, and you _will_ obey _my_ orders! UNDERSTAND?!"

The girl stopped laughing for a moment, and appeared to now be serious.

"Yes sir." She said.

Toshiro tried not to grin to himself. See? Even if he _did_ look like the way that he did, he could still keep his squad under control.

"Alright! Your first order..." He stopped, remembering that they did not know her name.

"Eon." She answered.

"Your first order, Eon, is to retrieve those lost documents. You have an hour." He said, dismissing her.

She did not move though.

"What are you waiting for?" He asked. "Did you not hear me?"

"Oh, I heard you." Eon said, and grinned. "Whitey-chan."

Toshiro froze, attempting not to draw his Zanpakuto.

"What...did...you...say...?" he asked, his head slowly turning her way.

"I said that I heard you. Whitey-chan."

Toshiro was now having the second war with the Quincy's in his head. To kill, or not to kill, that was the question. Before he could say anything, though, eon skipped out of the room cheerfully, leaving Toshiro alone yet again. He sighed, it being peaceful at last, and started to pick up a few of the documents, before he heard some giggling from outside of his door.

_What...?_ He wondered, but heed it no mind, and continued to sort through the mess of documents, some of which would have to be rewritten completely.

Some more giggling came from just outside his door. What was so funny out there? Again, though, Toshiro ignored it and kept picking up the papers.

Finally, a familiar giggle came from the door as Matsumoto walked in, holding a bottle of hard Vodka, which she attempted to hide behind her back as soon as she saw him looking at her.

"What's so funny, Matsumoto?" Toshiro questioned, not even caring about the Vodka right now; there were too many things to do.

"Um, n-nothing, Captain!" She said, edging towards the door, yet another obvious attempt to hide something from him.

Toshiro sighed as he finished picking up another torn sheet, before throwing it into a pile of to-repair files. He stood up and headed towards the door that she attempted to hide, but Matsumoto blocked the way.

"Step aside, Matsumoto." He said coolly.

Rangiku shook her head. "Y-you don't want to go out there..."

"Matsumoto, do you _really_ want me to put you on probation, with no breaks... _or_ alcohol?" He question.

Rangiku opened her mouth wide. This was _not_ something that she could lose, no matter how the captain reacted when he walked through that door. Slowly, she stepped aside for him to pass, and took a large chug of the Vodka. This would end badly...

"Thank you." Toshiro said as he stepped out of the office. It took a minute to figure out what everyone was laughing at as he looked around the hallway. No one was around, doing anything stupid, or even i the hallway for that matter; so what was funny? That was when he spotted _it_...

On the door to his office, written in black, permanent marker, (Where the culprit got it from ,was unknown)read the words, "Do Not Disturb, Midgets at Work!"

Out of all of the foolish, _ridiculous_ things that _anyone_ has done today, this had toped it off, as well as add a few more points to Toshiro's blood pressure. He ran his fingers through his snow-white hair, a desperate attempt to stay calm, and to not throttle Matsumoto. Killing his Vice-Captain would only lead to more unnecessary paper work, as much as he wished to do so.

"Matsumoto..." He began, hearing her take another large swig of the Vodka. "_Who_ did this to my door...?"

Rangiku finished the rest of her bottle, and threw it over her should, where it crashed into the right side of the office's wall.

"The newest recruit for sixth squad...said his name was Ax---Ax...something like that..." She said, trying to remember her current hero's name. The alcohol did not help.

Toshiro could not believe what he just heard. Someone from _sixth squad_?! The squad that has the motto, "Noble Reasoning"?! Was she really _that_ drunk?!

-------------------------------_The Day_: Two hours to total destruction---------------------------

Toshiro sat at his desk, reading through a number of the non-damaged files that he had been able to rescue from mess. He had sent Matsumoto to go down to sixth squad and get this 'Ax-whatever', to answer for his crimes.

A knock came from the door, but before Toshiro could say, "come in", the familiar, black-haired menace from the ceremony kicked the door open, making it swing off of its top hinge.

Toshiro knew that all of this stress was _not_ good for his health, as he said, as calmly as he could, "It was open, you know."

"Oh, really?" She said, looking at the door, but shrugged as if nothing had ever happened. "So, Whaddya want, whitey-chan?" She asked.

Blood Pressure up two points.

"Whitey-chan...?" Toshiro asked himself, digging his fingers into his desk; another futile attempt at keeping sane. "Was it _you_ that wrote that on my door?" He asked, pointing at the 'do not disturb' _sign_.

After about a minute of looking at the door, a minute that Toshiro believed rose his blood pressure another two points, the answer came as a "yes."

"Then why, may I ask, would you do that? Are you not in sixth squad, like Matsumoto said?" Toshiro questioned the youth.

"Yep! Sure am!" The answer was quite cheerful for someone that had already defaced property, raised his blood pressure by who knows how much, had been drinking by the smell, and even broken the very foundations of her squad. _How_ was she even in sixth squad with such an attitude?

Toshiro sighed, rubbing his eyebrows. "All right; what is your name then, recruit." He said, picking up a pen, ready to write a complain notice to Byakuya, leader of sixth squad.

"Axel."

Toshiro stopped. "Is that not a boy's name, recruit?" He asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah, so?" The recruit asked back.

Toshiro sighed again. "Are you not a _girl,_ recruit?" He asked, this day beginning to drain him.

"_What_?!" She suddenly yelled, jumping onto Toshiro's desk so fast, that he had no time to rescue his mountain of paperwork from causing an avalanche, onto the messy floor below. 'I am _not_ a girl! I'm a real...not boy!"

Toshiro grit his teeth angrily. "Is that _not_ an oxymoron?!" He demanded.

The recruit let out a gasp of delight.

"Why _thank you,_ Whitey-chan! That's the nicest thing that anyone has said to me aaaaallll day!"

"_What_ are you _talking_ about?!" He demanded.

Blood Pressure plus three points.

"You called me a _moron_, of course! Silly Whitey-chan!" The recruit stated.

Toshiro had to now hold his hand back from drawing Hyorinmaru.

"_How is that nice?!" _He yelled. "I _just_ asked for your name, recruit! So _give it to me!!_"

"I told you, it's Axel."

"_Did you not hear me?!"_ Toshiro demanded.

"I heard ya, Whitey-chan. I don't got a gender, so I'm Axel." He explained.

Toshiro stared at Axel in disbelief. How could today get any worse?

"Oh! Whitey-chan! I feel _reeeeaaaaal _bad about the door, so I composed a song for ya!" He explained, before singing the worst, off tune apology 'song', if it could ever be considered that.

That was how.

-------------------------------_The Day_: One hour to total destruction-------------------------------

Toshiro was sitting at his desk, head on it, as he attempted to think happy thoughts. The 'song' that the imbecile had 'sung' to him had carried down to the halls of eleventh squad, and they were now popping into his office, continuously calling him 'Whitey-chan', and leaving instantaneously, before he could behead them with his Bankai.

Another knock came from the door; Toshiro only moaned to answer it.

Eon stepped in, several papers in her hands, the large recruit that was with the two of them at the ceremony carrying the others.

"Here you go, sir cap-i-tan!" She announced cheerfully as she placed them onto the corner of his desk, the blonde copying her, though how with his eyes closed, Toshiro was not sure.

"Thanks..." Came Toshiro's muffled response, as his face was buried into papers scattered all over his desk.

"Wow, you don't look so good, Cap'n." Eon noted, before snapping her fingers. "Hey, can Hikki and I do anything to help?" She asked hopefully, Toshiro slowly looking up from his nest of papers.

"Well..." He muttered, thinking of simple tasks that he could give to them. "Matsumoto threw a bottle of vodka onto the wall over there," He said, pointing at the corner of the right wall, which was covered in a horrible smelling puddle of alcohol. "Can you clean that up...?" He asked, relieved with the nods for response.

He lightly placed his head back onto his desk. _I guess that they're not TOO bad, once they get use to it here..._ He thought, before he heard their conversation...

"No...I don't think that that is a good idea—" The blonde attempted, but being the silent voice of reason did not help matters, as Eon snapped her fingers, a flame, no bigger than a lighter's, floating above her fingers.

"Bye-bye, Mr. Stinky!" She said, as she blew it onto the wall.

The explosion was instantaneous, and the fire spread all across the wall like the plague.

Toshiro jumped up and drew his Zanpakuto, before using its ability to summon water to put out the flame.

He turned to see the two of them, eyes wide at what the had just done, before the eleventh squad ran in again, singing "whitey-chan" for the final time that day; because that was when Toshiro screamed loudly, unable to take anymore.

----------------------_The Day_: Destruction complete: Eighth squad office----------------------

"And that was how it all happened..." Toshiro explained, lying across the couch in the eighth squad's office, holding an ice pack over his head.

"I see..." Ise Nanao muttered, writing something down onto a clip board in front of herself. "Quite an ordeal, all for one day, no less..." She muttered, finishing her notes...or at least that was what Toshiro believed them to be...

"What should I do?! I can't go back to something like..like _that_!" He said, motioning with his arm, only to feel the headache sting more that ever.

'Well, I don't believe that you have to, captain Hitsugaya." She said, pushing her glasses up her nose with her index finger. "We found out that those...delinquents, as you put it, do not belong in the squads that they were assigned to, and we switched for the safety of, not only their selves, but for the rest of Seireitei's sanity as well."

"Ah, I see..." Toshiro, muttered, closing his eyes in thankfully. "Who did the paperwork for them, than?" He asked, without even thinking.

The response was obvious, but Toshiro was not thinking right now, only attempting to relax, and to lower his blood pressure.

"Rangiku Matsumoto, of course." Ise said simply, before leaving the room quickly, and closing the doors behind her.

Toshiro shot up like a rocket as it set in. His response was instantaneous, from the amount of times that he had done so in the past.

"_MATSU MOTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_"

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So, what do you think? I'm up at like, eleven writing this, and man am I tired... Please R & R; I'll never get better without something to work with. Also, if there are any ideas for later chapters, please send some to me; you'll get credit. 


	2. Welcome of Squad Six

All right, chapter one seemed to go pretty well, so now it's time for chapter two! How long do you think that Byakuya will last? Only one way to find out!

For the disclaimer, Bleach/Bleach characters/anything to do with anything belonging to Bleach does not belong to me. Only Eon in this chapter is mine, and the loveable pup, Aisu. Axel and Hikaru belong to Miffin, and all of the insanity belongs to the three (four?) of them.

Also, I'd like the thank CatherineIshida for _a lot_ of the awesome ideas that she gave me for this chapter!

And now, the chaos begins…

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**Welcome to S****quad 6: Byakuya's Nightmare**

Pots were over turned, the windows smashed by something called a 'baseball', and Renji was tied upside down from the ceiling, tape plastered all over his mouth.

Byakuya walked quickly across the wooden floors of sixth squad's halls; hunting the one that they called 'Axel'. His hair was missing five inches on the left side; the right side slightly blue, and his ever-so-fashionable scarf that he _always_ wore had now gone MIA. His entire squad was currently plotting against him, or so it seemed, wearing stuffed ducks on their head every time that he approached, and Yachiru had just 'restored her honour' by jamming a _pastry_ into his _ear_.

He was not pleased.

Byakuya glared at all of the fourth squad members as they attempted to clean the 'bubble gum', or so they called it in the living world, from the floor. He heard a loud shout coming from his office, and quickened his pace, double time.

What he saw in there was so horrible, that he could not stop himself from letting out a furious scream, before drawing Senbonzakura, and using his Bankai...

**How** could this have happened to him...?

-----------------Morning of _The Day_: Four hours to total destruction------------------

It was a cold autumn morning, as Byakuya prayed to Hisana's alter. It was silent like always, Renji taking care of preparations for the passing of in-training Shinigami, to complete, and noble, Shinigami.

He raised his head as he finished his prayers, and slowly stood from his kneeling position. Today felt like it was going to be a good day for him...little did he know what chaos would unfold from the misadventures of the day...

Renji kneeled down in front of the sliding door to Byakuya's room.

"Preparations are complete, sir." He reported, and with a slight nod of understanding, Byakuya exited the room, and led Renji to his squad.

They stood outside, taller and prouder than any of the other squads in the courtyard. Some standing next to a few of the fifth squad's in need.

With a slight grin, he stood in front of all of them, their attention moving to him instantaneously.

He had taught them well.

Byakuya scanned over the new recruits silently. None of them looked to be sixth squad material...but then again, neither did Renji at first.

The General of the Court Divisions, Yamamoto-sama, began the introductions. It was longer than usual, as he stated the previous infiltration into Seireitei, and the betrayal of the three captains of squads three, five and nine. He had a slight pause near the end, before also noting the lesser numbers of Shinigami passing today, before pulling out a number of scrolls, and passing them out to each recruit, who had rightfully earned their title, as well as their new squad.

When the ceremony seemed finished, Byakuya turned to face his squad, about to dismiss them back into the buildings belonging to squad six; but a loud "_WAAAAAIIIIITT!__"_ Halted him from doing so.

Three recruits came racing...or at least the first two were racing across the roofs, the third in a slight jog, falling behind quickly.

The three of them jumped, the more agile two landing perfectly...not so much for the last.

The blonde did not stir, until the black-haired one prodded him. He then moved his head up, looked from left to right with his eyes _shut_, and said an extremely unenthusiastic, "Ow."

Some of the new Shinigami looked around nervously, others asking "Is he okay?"

The response was just as _lively_ as the first, with a "yes."

The shortest one had started to wave her arms around furiously, he presumed in a very impolite attempt to get Yamamoto-sama's attention.

It appeared to work, as the oldest Shinigami in all of Seireitei waddled over to them, and handed them all a scroll with a slight smile, seemingly amused by their...interesting entrance.

"Thanks, old dude!" The tall black-haired one said to him, showing no respect whatsoever.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes at the impudence of her. He hoped that this one would be a squad on the opposite side of Seireitei from him and his noble squad.

Could it have been _this_ that threw off his Karma for the day? No one would ever really know.

---------------------------------_The Day_: Three hours to total Destruction---------------------------

_The_ knock came from the door to Byakuya's office. He silently put down the papers that he was over looking, before saying, "come in" calmly.

It was obvious who had walked in, the moment that the door was _kicked down_. In walked the black-haired girl, with the lightning bolt tattoo through her eye, picking her nose which munching on a strange stick-like food of some sort. (Pocky)

Byakuya could not help but gape for a moment. _This_ is what Yamamoto-sama had sent him?!

She looked around the room for a moment, before apparently noticing him for the first time.

"Yo, pretty-dude!" She announced cheerfully, waving her arm at him in a very, non-noble way.

Byakuya stared at her for an even longer moment, before turning to face his window in thought. Just _what_ was Toshiro _doing_ up in tenth squad! This couldn't be right! As he turned back, shock filled him as he noticed the new recruit was now _missing_ as well! How did he not feel her presence suddenly vanish?!

"MO!" Came a scream from behind Byakuya's back, making him unsheathe Senbonzakura, and wheel around at the recruit.

"What do you think that you are doing?!" He hissed, as nobly as possible, of course…

The recruit put a finger to her mouth in thought, before coming up with an answer.

"Testing the abilities of my captain, of course! Can't be too sure you were the captain with so many snoobs around." She explained.

"Snoobs?" Byakuya questioned, attempting not to rub the bridge of his eyes.

"Yes, _snoobs_." The recruit explained with a nod.

"And what exactly _is_ a 'snoob'?" He asked, staring the recruit down, who surprisingly, did not even seem to notice.

"They're like snobs, but worse, because there's an 'oo' sound." She said, crossing her arms and nodding to herself.

Byakuya sighed. "All right, I shall take your word for that…" He muttered, before standing tall and proud as ever. "Now, I would like to congratulate you on entering my squad; I am glad to have another noble-born here." He lied, only to notice that the recruit had her back turned to him, and was looking at the wall blankly.

Byakuya's eye twitched for a moment, before clearing his throat loudly.

"Recruit…?" He asked, the idio—recruit turning his way, sucking on another stick. "Tell me, what is your name…?" He asked as calmly as he could.

The recruit's eyes suddenly widened, before screaming "MO!" And flash stepping behind him, surprisingly faster than he would have ever expected a new Shinigami to be able to do.

"Your name is Mo?" He asked, turning towards her yet again, only to hear her burst into hysterical laughter.

Byakuya's other eye twitched. Who did she think that she was?!

"Recruit!" He said strictly, shutting her up instantly. "I _asked_ you a question!"

"No need to be peeved dude." She rhymed, "I'm Axel, with an 'A'!" She explained.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. No noble family would _ever_ name their child such a name…nonetheless a _girl_!

"Is that truly your name?" He questioned strictly.

"Yep-yep! Sure as bubble gum!" She said, bouncing up and down like a child.

What was with this girl?

Byakuya sighed impatiently. He knew that it was useless to try and reason with this moron. Thus, he should get down to the basics of the workings of this squad.

"Recruit—Axel," he started, making the idiot-Shinigami turn towards him from some strange, hand-held game, which made multiple beeping noises. "Do you know the motto of our squad?" He asked.

Axel looked up in thought for a moment, before nodding enthusiastically.

"What is it then?" He asked.

"Don't smoke crack; it's bad! Wash your underwear on Tuesday's, and bathe once a month." She answered.

Byakuya starred in horror as those words came out of her mouth. It took all of his willpower _not_ to execute her on the spot with Senbonzakura!

"No it's—"He started, before getting cut off.

"It's not? _Thank God_!" She said loudly, rubbing her brow.

"It's Noble Reasoning!" He also yelled, glaring at the recruit.

**Byakuya**: Plus two Blood Pressure points.

**"**Noble-what-i-a-ma?" Axel asked, looking utterly confused. Obviously the concept had never even been thought of in her entire life.

Byakuya sighed loudly. "Noble reasoning; the ability to think about one's actions, before doing so." He explained, Axel looking at him intensely. Good, it seemed that he had got through to her…

"Oooh! I get it!" Axel said, placing her fist into her other hand.

"Then now that you understand this motto, what ideas does it give you…?" He asked carefully.

There was a deadly silence as Axel thought about what 'Noble Reasoning' gave him for ideas. Suddenly he snapped his fingers; a thought coming to him.

"To go bungee-jumping without a cord!" he announced, before racing out of the room at full speed.

Byakuya only starred after her in amazement. Not the good kind, where you just got one hundred on you Kido final, but the 'How did I get a damned idiot into my squad?!' type.

---------------------------------_The Day_: Two hours to total Destruction---------------------------

Byakuya had not seen Axel for twenty minutes. Twenty _long_, _impatient_ minutes. Where did she go? He had a horrible feeling in his gut, as if something horrible was going to happen today; some decent foresight he had earlier…

A shrill scream came from the training room, just around the corner from Byakuya's current position. He raced there without a second thought, using his flash step, only to suddenly become stuck to the ground; the momentum ripping his feet up and off of the sticky substance, and sending him flying through the wall, right next to the door of the training room.

Byakuya swore inwardly, as he stood up, only to see his vice captain, Renji, tied upside down from the roof, tape plastered over his mouth.

He struggled violently, but Zabimaru on the ground, and out of his reach.

Byakuya calmly stepped towards Renji, only to notice some strange, barely legible writing all over his face.

"Funny eyebrows"

Byakuya looked at Renji for a few more moments, before turning on his heel, and heading out the door of the training room, leaving his vice captain to fend for himself.

_How_ in the name of Seireitei did this happen?

"Captain!" One of his Noble Squad members yelled, running up behind him. Finally, some _normal_ problems to deal with…

Byakuya turned, only to give a weird, distorted face at his subordinate's appearance. He could not hide his expression, it was too late. On his head, was a large, brown, stuffed duck.

"I have a message from Ukitake-sama." He said, handing a sheet of paper to Byakuya.

Byakuya's hand shook as he took the sheet, him gaze not leaving the duck. What in the name of squad _six_ was going on?!

He nodded to Byakuya, before leaving; duck and all.

Byakuya slowly looked down to the paper after the Shinigami was out of his sight.

"Come to squad thirteen's training grounds"

Byakuya wondered if this had something to do with Rukia, as he flash stepped all of the way to the training grounds. Once there, he saw nothing but the eternally-running plains of the grounds.

"O-nii-sama…" Came a light voice to Byakuya's side.

He turned slightly, only to see Rukia lying in a pool of blood.

"Rukia?!" Byakuya called, running towards his half-sister.

There was an evil behind him, as the culprit showed himself.

"The time has come to settle our score, Byakuya!" Yelled Ukitake, from on top of a boulder.

Byakuya's eyes narrowed at the treachery of the thirteenth squad captain, and pulled out Senbonzakura, before releasing his Bankai.

"Dun-dun…"

Byakuya tuned his head towards the sound. Nothing.

"Dun-dun dun-dun…"

Byakuya looked around the empty battlefield, now back with the power of his Bankai active. There was still nothing there.

"Dun-dun dun-dun dun-dun dun-dun DUN; dun dun dun; DUN!" The Jaws theme played.

Byakuya attempted to ignore the annoying tune that played from seemingly nowhere, and raised the swords from the ground, before sending them flying at Ukitake. He didn't even bother to dodge, before getting pierced…only to explode into a large amount of confetti…as well as spaghetti…

Byakuya's eyes widened. You must admit; a captain does not normally turn into such things…not even Aizen!

The Jaws theme stopped as he finished his Bankai, and turned to Rukia, only to watch her burst into a similar mess as Ukitake did.

"What…?" He asked, before the same blonde from the Ceremony earlier _melted_ from the ground, holding some large, strange device; most likely the source of the sound.

He bowed slowly, slamming his head _through_ the boulder that the Ukitake clone was standing on, before melting back into the ground, gone.

Byakuya stared at the mess of spaghetti and confetti that was once the bloody wreck of Rukia.

_What had just happened?_He thought, before he heard a familiar, pink-haired Shinigami call him.

"Byakushi!" Yachiru called, before racing up to him.

Byakuya lowered himself about a foot closer to her level, before Yachiru pointed her finger into his face, eyes ablaze.

"Today I will regain my honour!" She announced, Byakuya staring at her finger as if it a simple twig.

SPLAT!

Yachiru smacked a pastry _right _into Byakuya's_ ear_… She giggled furiously, before retreating back to the safety of her squad.

Byakuya did not move. He did not breathe, or even react. His only thought;

_Axel…_

---------------------------------_The Day_: One hour to total Destruction---------------------------

Byakuya grunted; his head spinning. He slowly opened his eyes, looking around his office. When did he get here…?

He blinked, rubbing the top of his head lightly, before remembering the strange prick that he had felt on the back of his neck; everything else after that a blur.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes and grit his teeth together. Someone…no names; _Axel_; must had shot a drugged dart at the back of his neck, and brought him here…but why…? He wondered, reaching up to the top of his head, before feeling some strange, bumpy thing where his normal headpiece was.

Byakuya jolted up from the floor instantly, and rushed to the mirror in the corner of the office. (Never know when you need to check how noble you look…)

He could not help but let his jaw drop as he saw his reflection.

The left side of his hair was missing at least five inches in length. The right side, on the other hand, was dyed _blue_! Where his noble headpiece was always placed, was now a flurry of butterfly clips; and his scarf; _Squidgey, _was gone!

**Byakuya**: Blood Pressure plus five points!

He darted out of the room, not even _thinking_ of flash stepping; he was so angry.

"Sir!" One of his duck-wearing squad members called, but he did not even turn. He was hunting. Hunting, for _Axel_.

"_There_ you are!" Came a painfully familiar voice, as Rangiku Matsumoto burst out of the training room, (Where Renji was still tied upside down from the ceiling) and grabbed onto his arm; her cheeks red with all of the alcohol that she had been drinking this day.

"_WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE DOING?!_" He yelled; unable to keep his calm composure under the fact of Squidgey missing.

Rangiku blinked drunkenly, before grinning widely at him.

"I'm here for our date, of course!" She announced, loud enough for the entire sixth and seventh squad to hear.

"Wha--?!" Byakuya demanded; before he noticed the shorter girl that was with Axel earlier, approach the two of them.

"What is she going on about?!" He demanded, attempting to shake her from his arm. It wasn't working.

Eon blinked up at him, confused for a moment, before letting out a small 'oh,' in understanding.

"Didn't you know; Byakushi?!" She asked, grinning.

He shook his head; his arm shaking Matsumoto even harder.

"Fortune favours the bold." She explained, before running out of squad six as fast as her little legs could carry her.

Byakuya let out a furious scream, before _flinging_ Matsumoto off of his arm, and chasing after Eon. _That_ was when he heard the shout from his room.

Byakuya dashed around the hall, remembering to hop over the 'bubblegum' as they called it in the real world; ignoring the odd looks that he received from the fourth squad members as he passed. He recognised the pitch of the shout. There was only _one_ person that would _dare_ to enter his domain, uninvited; _Axel_.

He rounded the final corner, and kicked down the whole door to his room himself; very un-noble of him, no?

Byakuya gaped at what he saw next. All of the potted plants in his entire room were flipped over; muddy footprints all over, even the _ceiling_. There were a number of duck-hats, littered throughout the room; some even _on_ Hisana's alter. _All _of the windows of the room were smashed; the little round ball...a 'baseball' as they called it in the living world, no doubt the reason. The two Shinigami wearing duck-hats and holding their Zanpakuto, no doubt the cuprits. He spotted some of his hair that had been chopped off; only to have been braded into a _necklace;_ the hair dye right next to it. The final thing that he saw, though, was so horrible, that he could not help but draw Senbonzakura, and using his Bankai.

Axel was _wearing_ Squidgey and dancing around, yelling "I'm so pretty!" while pouring _ketchup_ onto it!

The scarf, which Byakuya had treasured for century's, and had the value of _ten_ houses, was being _ruined_ by this _bumbling idiot!_

He let out a crazed howl as the glowing pink swords erupted from the black ground around them; only to hear the Jaws theme play once more…

----------------------_The Day_: Destruction complete: Rukia's quarters----------------------

Byakuya lie on his back; head on his half-sister's lap.

"And that was what happened." He said, eyes shut as he attempted not to think of the horrible events anymore.

"I see, Onii-sama." Rukia said calmly, nodding at her half-brother's peril.

Byakuya opened his eyes slightly, only to look at Rukia's face. She really _did_ look like her sister.

"How am I to explain all of this to Yamamoto-sama?" He asked, not caring that he, the noblest of all of Soul Society, was looking for advice from her.

Rukia was quiet for a moment, before lightly pushing Byakuya's head off of her lap (As nice as it was for some affection for once…).

"I do not think that you will need to explain anything to him, Onii-sama." She started, heading towards the door. "Because, as it turned out, all of their filing was incorrect." She explained.

"Is that so…" Byakuya muttered, allowing his eyes to close again.

"Yes." Rukia said, "They also found that it was Rangiku Matsumoto's doing." And with that, she left the room instantly.

Byakuya's eyes flung open. His rage was absolute, as he called out the ever so familiar name:

"MATSUMOTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

So, how was that? Who would have guessed that the scarf had a name? (Thank you to Worenx for the name) I must thank CatherineIshida for all of the awesome ideas that she gave to me. 

Ducks on the heads

Flash Stepping and yelling "MO!"

The Pastry (Though I put it into his ear, rather than the mouth…)

Butterfly Clips

Jaws Theme

And the 'Date'

I wish that I could have used all of them, but four 'hours' were not enough time…maybe another chapter or fic… (If I can get around to it before I forget…)

Next fic, Soifon! How badly will Hikaru mess up squad two? Let's find out! And please, R&R some more. Ideas for that chapter are still welcome.


	3. Welcome to Squad Two

Disclaimer, Bleach, Bleach characters, and almost everything else associated with Bleach does not belong to me…so don't sue me…Axel and Hikaru belong to Miffin/Pudding Fiend.Eon belongs to me.The name 'Yorkee' stands for a rabid bunny-like creature that I created. Why it's called that? Only Axel will ever know…And, remember, Axel has _NO GENDER._ Remember that. XP

**NOTE**: When Hikaru speaks, all words are calm, and almost spread out, and in a bored tone. Imagine his speech that way, and it's funnier. XP This chapter is unfortunately, not as funny as the others…it is quite hard to write for Soi Fon, as I found out the hard way. XP

Now, onto the story! W00T!

* * *

Half of squad two was stuck in the air, inside of a giant earth sphere; there was a _giant_ hole through half of Seireitei, and her vice-captain, Marechiyo Omaeda, was drunk _so much_, that he believed her to be his mother. 

Soi Fon was, quite frankly, pissed.

She sped through the weaving outer halls of Seireitei, only one person in mind;

_Hikaru…_

* * *

**Welcome to Squad 2: Soi Fon's Nightmare**

-

An average day like any other, or at least, that was what Soi Fon thought as she raced towards the graduation ceremony for the new Shinigami; her squad, and overly large vice-captain, behind her.

"Wait, Captain!" Marechiyo complained, quickly falling behind the other Shinigami of squad two.

Soi Fon sighed tiredly. How could _he_ of anyone become a vice-captain? _Especially_ for the special ops. Squad two no less! He was even worse than Matsumoto Rangiku at times!

She slowed her pace a little, but continued to dash nonetheless. Hopefully they wouldn't be late like last year…

-

Soi Fon easily found her squad's spot, in between Captain Yamamoto's squad one, and the leaderless squad three.

_Thank Soul Society…we made it…_ Soi Fon thought as she halted at the front, next to other leaders, or in squads three and nine's cases, next to the vice captains.

"_Captain_!" Her not-so-favourite vice-captain yelled as he lumbered up to the front of the squad as well. "You were running to fast again!" The over-sized Shinigami complained, before pulling out a bag of chips.

Soi Fon quickly kicked him in the chin, before releasing a series of punches into his face.

"There is _no_ food in this occasion!" She explained strictly, Marechiyo slowly nodding from below her feet. "Now get up and show some respect!" She hissed.

The vice-captain quickly did so, and put the chips away. He knew the punishment would be way worse if he didn't…

-

Yamamoto-sama began the introduction as soon as Soi Fon had finished beating the crap out of Marechiyo; either to not have any other disruptions…or he enjoyed the show himself…

He began to explain all that he normally explained on this day, adding in parts about Aizen and the other two traitors, and finally onto how there were less Shinigami this year.

Soi Fon listened intently the entire time, as well as carefully keeping a sightless watch on her vice-captain behind her. If he disobeyed the rules once more, she'd surely pound his face in, back at the training grounds if he did so…

Yamamoto-sama finally finished his speech and began to pass out the scrolls to each of the new Shinigami recruits. As he finished, he looked as if he was _about_ to dismiss them, when a loud, "_Waaaaiiit!_" Interrupted him from doing so.

Soi Fon glared in the direction of those that were willing to interrupt on _this_ important day! Her gaze moved to the left of her, where she saw three Shinigami on the roofs of Seireitei, the two smaller ones running, and the last, larger one, lumbering after them.

They reached the end of the roof, and the first two jumped down and landed on their feet gracefully. The third one, though, fell from the roof, and landed face first onto the ground. He didn't move.

Panic filled the new Shinigami, as well as some of the squads as well.

"Is he okay?!" Someone called.

Soi Fon snorted angrily. Such insolent fools, and yet people were _worried_ about them! Pitiful; truly pitiful…

The black haired one poked the fallen Shinigami, whose head rose instantly, though his eyes did not open.

"He's okay!" She called cheerfully, before the little one waved around frantically.

Yamamoto-sama only grinned and gave them their scrolls as well; merely giving them the warning "do not make it a habit."

Soi Fon bit her lip to stop herself from swearing. How could he be so kind to these…these…_Miscriants!_

Captain Yamamoto dismissed the squads, and allowed the new Shinigami to find their places among the groups.

Soi Fon growled as she watched the three of them walk around, as if nothing had ever happened.

Hopefully, they would not last a day in their own squad…

-

-----------------Morning of _The Day_: Four hours to total destruction------------------

-

Soi Fon took long strides for steps, as she walked into second squad's main briefing area, where ten Shinigami bowed to her on entry.

"You understand your mission?" She asked.

"Yes." The leader of their section said formally.

"Then begin the mission." Soi Fon dismissed with the wave of her hand.

The Shinigami all vanished like a ninja instantly, before Soi Fon turned on her heel to leave the room, only to bump into a large, blonde Shinigami.

"Hello." He said, though was not facing her.

Soi Fon took a step back and looked up at him. He was nearly as tall as her vice-captain, with short, spiked blonde hair.

"You are the one that fell off of the roof." She said coldly.

"Yes, I was. It was painful as well; though, I felt no pain." He explained monotonously.

Soi Fon starred at him. Didn't he just cancel out what he had just said…?

"What squad are you supposed to be in?" She asked. "I will tell you witch direction you need to go."

"I am in squad two." He answered formally, nearly making her jaw drop.

_"What?_" She asked.

"I said, I am in squad two." He repeated.

"That's impossible." Soi Fon said instantly. "Squad two are special ops. Someone that is not athletic could never make it in here." She explained.

"I am athletic." He ensured.

Soi Fon looked at him sceptically. Not _only_ was he facing the wall right now, but his eyes were closed, _and_ she had already seen his 'athletic' display back at the ceremony.

"Is that so? Then I would presume that some target practice, as well as some running drills will prove me wrong then?" She said, eyes narrowing.

"Yes, it will." He agreed.

"Then follow me." Soi Fon said quickly, as she exiting the room and turned to the left. It took about ten seconds for her to turn around and see that her new recruit was no longer following her, and had turned _right_ instead of left, as she did.

"_What_ are you doing?!" She demanded, the youth stopping slowly, and turning ninety degrees, to face yet another wall instead of herself.

"I am following you." He explained to the wall.

Soi Fon clenched her teeth together angrily.

"No, you are _not_ following me. _I_ am over here, recruit." She said, anger now obvious in her voice.

"My name is not recruit. It is Hikaru." Hikaru explained, before bowing into the wall, head going through it, and revealing the training grounds for squad two.

"Ah, I have found the training grounds!" Hikaru mused, a hint of cheer in his voice, but not much.

Soi Fon starred at the blonde as he _walked through_ the wall, creating an even bigger hole than before.

_What is WRONG with him?!_She asked herself mentally.

She quickly followed after him, and onto the training grounds, where the rest of her squad starred at her and the large Shinigami in surprise.

She growled, before dashing in front of Hikaru, and punching him up in the jaw hard.

Hikaru was silent for a moment, before opening one of his blue eyes a crack.

"That was not very nice. That could have hurt someone." He explained calmly.

The entire squad around him gasped in shock, and shrunk away from him and the now fuming Soi Fon.

"_That_ was the _point_." She said, trying to keep her cool.

"Oh. I see." He merely stated, before facing one of the targets; eyes still closed.

Soi Fon growled angrily, before motioning for the rest of the squad to line up as well. They all obeyed without a word.

"Reflect the spells, and counter when you have the chance. Destroy the targets. That is you mission." She explained simply, before signalling them to start.

The shots of random spells began instantly. Blue lightning flew at Shinigami; red fire shot back. The training seemed to be going better than normal, as most of the newer Shinigami easily dodged the shots, and countered with simpler spells.

Soi Fon grinned and crossed her arms. It looked like she received a few decent Shinigami this year…or at least, all but him…

She turned to see Hikaru, who was looking around, eyes still closed.

"No, that is not very nice—ow—no, stop…ow…" He said quietly as lightning and fire hit him continuously. He did not even attempt to move.

"_What_ are you _doing_?!" She demanded, stepping towards the new Shinigami. "I said _hit it back_!"

"Oh." Hikaru said calmly. "Why didn't you say so…?" He asked calmly, before pulling out his Zanpakuto…or so it seemed…

Hikaru pulled out, instead of a sword, a long, thick lance, easily as big, if not bigger than he was!

"What in the name of—" Soi Fon started, but was suddenly hit by a long bolt of blue lightning. She swore as she stood back up, only to see Hikaru not aiming his lance at her; lightning flying her way yet again.

"_What do you think that you're doing?!"_ She demanded, narrowing dodging the lightning. "Why are you aiming at _me_?!"

"You said to dodge the Kido. Does that not apply as well for you, captain…?" Hikaru asked, another bolt of lightning flying off his ridiculously large lance, and towards the aerial Soi Fon.

She swore angrily as she used a flash step to move away from the bolt, and onto the ground. Soi Fon glared at Hikaru, before racing towards him and punching him in the jaw yet again; this time twice as hard as before.

"You think that you're being _funny_?" She questioned.

"No." Hikaru answered simply.

"Then _why_ did you hit it at me?" She asked as another bolt of lightning came towards them. She easily deflected it with her fist.

"Because you said to deflect it. You just happened to be there." Hikaru explained innocently.

Soi Fon growled, before quickly popping onto her hands and spinning her foot right into his head.

Hikaru simply took the attack, but did not budge as well. He slowly opened his eye a crack yet again, and looked down to the angry captain.

"That was not very nice." He stated.

Soi Fon let out an angry howl, before spinning in reverse direction, and hitting his other ear. Again, Hikaru took the attack and did not budge.

"Please stop. I may lose some brain cells." The blonde explained.

Soi Fon bounced off of her hands, and onto her feet, before punching him in the stomach and upwards; attempting to get at least some reaction.

Hikaru slowly opened his other eye a crack as well, and looked down at the fist, now in his gut hard.

"This is uncomfortable." He said calmly, before slowly grabbing Soi Fon's wrist, and yanking it out of his stomach, before flinging her half way across the training grounds.

The rest of squad two starred at Hikaru in horror. They knew this would lead to trouble…

Soi Fon slowly stood up, before brushing herself off. She slowly looked up at the troublesome youth, before pulling out her Zanpakuto, Suzumebachi, and charging at him with a furious howl.

Hikaru starred at her for a moment, before slowly closing his eyes again, holding his lance ready.

Soi Fon lunged at him quickly, and thrust Suzumebachi at him, towards his stomach. Hikaru was still for a moment, before moving out of the way of her thrust slowly, as if it were in slow motion. Soi Fon quickly regaining her balance, and span around at him, before slashing diagonally from his chest. Again, Hikaru simply stepped back out of the way easily; eyes still closed.

Soi Fon let out another furious howl, before thrusting at Hikaru a series of times, towards his stomach and chest. Hikaru just stopped moving all together, and took the attacks calmly. Soi Fon slowly finished stabbing at Hikaru, before noticing that his eyes were closed the whole time.

"What…?" She asked, before also seeing that Hikaru was still standing tall, even with a couple hundred stabs to the stomach and chest.

"That was not very nice." He said, a hint of anger in his voice, before her held his hands up high, and clapped together.

The ground beneath the rest of squad two moved as if it was alive, and swallowed them all up into a large, muddy ball of earth, before rising into the sky above him.

Soi Fon starred up at her squad in horror. What did this kid just _do_?!

"I am hungry." Hikaru suddenly muttered cheerfully, before slowly lumbering off, and back through the hole that he had created earlier.

Soi Fon looked from her squad, to the slow blonde, and back. What in the name of Soul Society was going on here?!

-

---------------------------------_The Day_: Three hours to total Destruction---------------------------

-

"_Marechiyo_!" Soi Fon yelled angrily. She couldn't find him _anywhere_!

She quickly walked to all of his normal favourite places to munch on his snacks, but no sign of the giant vice-captain. Soi Fon grunted angrily. He would feel punishment like no other when he returned…

"_Captain_!" came an urgent call from behind Soi Fon.

She turned, only to see one of her _free_ squad members racing towards her, panicked.

"What is wrong?" Soi Fon asked urgently as the Shinigami came to a halt in front of her, panting.

"I-I think that it is better if you saw it for yourself…" She said carefully, before turning around, and racing the same direction that she had come from.

Soi Fon's eyes narrowed questioningly. What could _possibly_ be so important, that she would need to see for herself?

The simple answer; Marechiyo…

-

Marechiyo lied on his back, starring up at the black ceiling; eyes almost completely glazed over in a vacant stare.

Soi Fon stopped running as soon as she saw him.

_WHAT was he DOING?!_ She wondered as she approached the now drooling vice-captain.

"Mama…?" He suddenly asked as soon as Soi Fon was close enough to see twenty cups, now empty, with a _very_ powerful smelling alcohol. She jumped a bit, surprised that he could even talk, let alone _see_ her!

"Mama…?" She asked, before the giant suddenly moved faster than she had _ever_ seen him move, and hug her tightly.

"Mamaaaaa!" He cheered as Soi Fon attempted to push him off.

"_Get off you lug!_" Soi Fon yelled angrily, as she finally managed to shove the drunken idiot off of herself. "Get a hold of yourself!" She demanded, with a strong kick to the face.

Marechiyo did not react to the kick though, and only giggled like a child who had just received a kiss to the cheek.

"Mama!" He cheered once more, before suddenly making a loud 'gurk' noise, and passing out cold.

Soi Fon starred at him, then to the Shinigami that led her here.

"What happened here?!" She demanded, making the poor Shinigami jump with fear.

"I-I don't know! He was just…_like this_ when I found him here!" She explained desperately.

Soi Fon rubbed the bridge of her nose angrily, before dismissing her with the wave of an arm. This was _not_ how she viewed this day ending…

-

One half hour. An _entire_ half hour to get Marechiyo off, into his room, and _then_, off of her legs, waist, and so on, _again_.

Soi Fon was now furious. She quickly marched through the halls of squad two, noting that a good number of her squad was now stuck in giant floating balls of earth _indoors_ too.

"_Hikaru…_" she hissed angrily, before a calm, "yes?" answered her 'call'.

Soi Fon wheeled around at the blonde. Where did he come from…?!

"Did you call?" He asked, eyes still shut, and facing the wall next to her.

"I am right _here_." Soi Fon said angrily.

"I know." Hikaru said calmly, smile still on his face.

"Then _why_ are you facing the _wall_?!" The annoyed captain questioned.

"Because, I am." Hikaru stated bluntly.

"_What?_" Soi Fon questioned.

"I said—"

"I _did not_ ask what you just said!" She explained angrily.

"But you just said 'what'.'What' is a way of asking one to repeat their previous statement, for lack of understanding." Hikaru explained robotically.

Soi Fon slowly clenched her fists together tightly, yet another desperate attempt to keep her sanity…nonetheless her temper.

"I did _not_ ask you to repeat yourself. I asked _why_ you chose to face the _wall_ instead of your superior!" She explained.

"Oh, why didn't you ask then…?" Hikaru asked. "I simply face the wall because it will annoy you the most." Hikaru explained.

Soi Fon stared at him.

"You mean to say, that you will _truthfully_ explain to me, that you do it to tick me off…?" She questioned.

"I did just say that." Hikaru answered calmly.

Soi Fon bit her teeth together hard. She could have _sworn_ that smoke had blown through her ears.

"_How dare you?!_" She demanded; obviously rhetorically.

"I do not know. I just do dare to do it." Hikaru explained, as if _nothing_ was wrong.

**-**

**Soi Fon**: Plus Two Blood Pressure Points.

-

With a furious howl, Soi Fon ripped out her Zanpakuto, and summoned its second form in an instant.

"_STING THIS FOOL TO DEATH!_" She demanded, before stabbing Hikaru hard in the chest once, before quickly flipping around and stabbing him once more in the same spot.

Hikaru slowly looked down at the now bleeding, _new_ wound on his chest, slowly opening an eye a crack.

"That poison will _kill_ you!" Soi Fon explained, putting Suzumebachi away. "It has even killed a Bounto."

Hikaru slowly looked up to Soi Fon, and back to his wound; only one eye still open.

"My shirt…" He mumbled, before slowly touching the wound with a finger, and poking hard.

"_Your SHIRT?!_" Soi Fon bellowed angrily. "You are about to _die_, and all you care about is your _shirt?!_"

"It was a nice shirt…" Hikaru mumbled, before slowly turning around, and wandering off.

-

Soi Fon starred off after him. How could he only care about a _shirt_?!...nonetheless…why wasn't he dead yet?!

She pondered this, before noticing that Hikaru's previous wound was completely gone as well. Did he visit fourth squad…? No; even _they_ can't heal wounds that fast, with the number of injured Shinigami in their care, after the invasion, and betrayal…so how…?

The answer came, in the form of a ditzy, blonde, Shinigami named 'Hikaru'.

"Oh look. The tattoo is gone…"

-

---------------------------------_The Day_: Two hours to total Destruction---------------------------

-

"_What?_" Soi Fon demanded.

Hikaru slowly moved his head up to her, but did not open his eyes.

"That was not very nice; my shirt is now ruined. I will need to buy another one…" He said, a hint of sorrow in his voice.

Soi Fon glared at him, before marching over and taking a look at where she had just stabbed him, little more then a minute ago. The Butterfly tattoo _was_ gone! Even what would have left a scar, was little more then a scratch!

"H-How?!" She demanded.

"How what…? You must be more specific." Hikaru explained to the gawking captain.

"_How _is the tattoo gone! _You should be DEAD!_" She explained angrily.

"Dead? Am I not dead?" he asked.

Soi Fon fumed again.

"_No_! It should kill _you_!" She attempted to explained, but Hikaru only furrowed his brows in confusion; eyes still shut.

"But I _am_ dead." He attempted to explain as well, before he was suddenly knocked off of his feet, by a familiar idiot.

"_HIKKI!_"

Hikaru lied on his front, face in the floor. A muffled "Hello" was his response.

Soi Fon starred at the two in shock for a moment, before the blonde finally began his slow accent, back into a standing position.

"Hikki-Hikki-Hikki-Hiiiikkkiii!" The annoying, new arrival sang, as she quickly hopped onto Hikaru's large shoulder cheerfully.

"Who are you?!" Soi Fon demanded, eyes narrowed at the newcomer.

"Huh…?" The black-haired Shinigami muttered, looking down at the captain. "Who am I, you ask?" She asked, a large grin creeping onto her face. "Why I am _AXEL!_ Hero of the Yorkee's!" She exclaimed, hammering her hand into her flat chest hard, before falling off of the blonde's shoulder, and landing head-first into the ground.

"Axel?" Soi Fon asked sceptically. "_That_ is your name?"

Axel slow crawled to his feet.

"That's right. I am _AXEL!_ Hero of the Yorkee's!" He repeated heroically.

Soi Fon gave him a look that said 'you are a moron', and shook her head.

"Fine, what squad are you in then?" She asked, giving up on Hikaru completely.

"Six." Axel replied, climbing back up onto the giant's shoulder.

Soi Fon almost choked on her own breath.

"_Six?_" She questioned.

"Yes. Six…" Axel replied, before looking up thoughtfully. "Funny…no one seems to believe me…I wonder why…?"

_Maybe because you are a MORON, you have NO self control, and are the most DISRESPECTFUL person I have ever laid eyes on…?_ Soi Fon thought sadistically.

"Oh! I just remembered that I have a message for you!" Axel announced cheerfully, bouncing up and down. "I was s'posed t' tell ya that some lady was goin' to come today!"

"A lady? What _lady_?" Soi Fon asked seriously.

"I dunno. Maybe your shrink or somethin'." Axel replied.

Soi Fon rubbed the bridge of her nose again angrily.

"What was her _name_ then?" She demanded.

"Oh…somethin' like…Yo-You…Yoruichi maybe…?" Axel muttered to himself. "Yeah, Yoruichi's comin' to see you." He said, before reaching for a small spike of Hikaru's hair, and pulling it lightly to the side; leading him off like a horse.

Soi Fon watched the two of them walk off in horror. Yoruichi-sama was coming?! How long ago was she planning this visit?! Where was she going to be?! _When_ was she coming?! Soi Fon began to pace back and forth quickly. This really _wasn't_ how she expected today to be…

She quickly thought of everything that she would need to arrange; a welcome, an escort…but _why _was she coming, and when?!

Soi Fon turned to the direction that the two idiot messengers had disappeared in, and flash stepped after them. Her gaze moved from left to right, until she finally saw the familiar black-haired Shinigami, back facing her.

"You!" She called strictly, his head moving up with notice.

Axel looked over his shoulder at the distressed captain, blinking confused.

"What do you want…?" He asked, not entirely politely.

Soi Fon ignored his rudeness, and got straight to the point, as she marched up to him.

"When is she coming, and where?" She demanded, before putting her arm on his shoulder to turn him around.

"I dunno. Why don't you ask Hikki…?" He asked, before turning around completely to see her.

Soi Fon starred at what he had in his arms in shock. A little, brown bear, with large spiked bangs, and foot-long claws, was dangling in his arms; eyes half closed in a _very_ bored expression.

"What in the name of _hell_ is that?!" She demanded, taking a step away from the bear, who slowly opened its mouth and yawned, before dropping its head completely out of lack of enthusiasm.

"_That_?! THAT?! Hikki is not a '_that_'! Hikki is a _bear_! Ya know! Big mammals with claws, teeth, and a thirst for human blood?...okay, no thirst for blood, but you get it, right?" Axel asked.

Soi Fon starred down at the bear, and back up to Axel.

What in the name of _hell_ was going on here today?!

'Hikaru' yawned once more, though his head was leaning in almost a perfect ninety degree angle from his neck.

"_How_ is that Hikaru?!" Soi Fon demanded, making sure to keep _far_ away from the…_thing…_

Axel blinked at her, obviously confused, before looking down at the little bear, and back up to her.

"I dunno. He just is. Just like how I turn into a cat." He 'explained'.

Soi Fon starred at them in horror.

"_You_ turn into a _cat_?" She asked, beginning to wonder if it was a transformation similar to Yoruichi-sama…

"Yes, _I_ turn into a _CAT_." Axel repeated, annoyed, before stepping towards Soi Fon, and holding Hikaru out to her. "here, I have an…appointment to keep…you take Hikki for me." He said, before handing the little bear to the extremely confused captain.

Soi Fon fell over with Hikaru's weight. For such a _small_ bear, why was it so _heavy_?! The thing was _at least_ four hundred pounds!

Hikaru let out a, "_RAAAGGGHHHUUUU!_" before going back to his usual bored expression, and slamming his head hard into the floor…leaving a Hikaru-bear-head imprint on the floor…

"Why is it so heavy?!" Soi Fon demanded from the dunce, but Axel only starred at her.

"Hikki is a 'he', and he isn't heavy." Axel stated, before turning on his heel, and fleeing from the now, even more enraged captain.

Soi Fon glared off after Axel, before slowly picking up Hikaru, with great difficulty. She was a _Shinigami_, NOT a body builder…

"Raaaggguuu…" Hikaru murmured, as Soi Fon slowly, almost _dragged_ him towards her office.

"Shut up." She exclaimed angrily, as she lifted him a tiny bit higher.

Hikaru suddenly went stiff, instead of lax, and starred straight ahead.

Soi Fon slopped walking, and slowly looked down at the little bear, before seeing his eyes suddenly twinkle.

"What…?" She asked herself, before the tiny bear opened his mouth, and a _giant_ beam shot out of it.

Soi Fon was too shocked to _even_ drop the bear. She starred at the beam, which was _easily_ ten times larger, in diameter than the bear, go through all of the walls in front of herself, through her office, and even through the _outer wall_ of Seireitei!

Hikaru slowly closed his mouth, and suddenly went limp again, before attempting to scratch his nose with one of his huge claws.

"You…just…" Soi Fon attempted to speak, as she watched fifty heads slowly move out from various parts of the new hole.

"Ruuunng…" Hikaru murmured, as he finally reached his nose with his claw, and attempted to scratch, leaving a long, deep, bloody scratch in its place. He almost sighed, before dropping his arm again, limply. He didn't like this form either…

-

---------------------------------_The Day_: One hour to total Destruction---------------------------

-

Soi Fon dropped Hikaru as she starred at the damage. Thirty nine walls; not including the outer wall…_that_ was all of the damage done, by one, small bear…

She slowly looked down at the beast in horror, onto to see it slowly melting into the floor; the same bored expression plastered over its face as before.

"_NO! STOP!_" She howled, as she tried to grab him, but forgot how heavy he was…he was gone in an instant; somewhere underground, and out of everyone's reach…

"Captain Soi Fon…?" A fourth squad Shinigami asked, walking through the wreckage. "What…happened…?" He asked.

Soi Fon only looked at him, as she pointed down at the ground with her index finger. The Shinigami looked down, before looking back up to her, confused.

"Um…would you like…lie down, Captain…?" He asked, trying to take her arm.

Soi Fon quickly brushed him off angrily.

"It was the bear!" She explained angrily, pointing at the ground again.

"Um…sure captain…are you _sure_ that you don't want to lie down…? Too much stress is bad! I'm sure that Yamamoto-sama will understand perfectly why you did it!" He attempted to comfort.

"I _told_ you, it was the _bear_!" Soi Fon yelled, as a few more Shinigami from fourth squad walked through the giant hole in the wall, to their comrade.

"Captain, there _is_ no bear there!" he explained, using his hands to motion the ground that she was pointing to, the others behind him nodding in agreement.

"I _know_ that there is no bear there!" She explained angrily, gritting her teeth together ferociously.

"Then _why_ do you say that it was a bear?" He asked, confused.

"Because there _was_ a bear here! I melted into the floor!" She explained, pointing back at the floor.

The fourth squad Shinigami looked to his friends, before looking back to Soi Fon.

"All right captain, I _think _that you should come with us…" He said, offering his arm to her.

"_NO I SHOULD NOT COME WITH YOU!_" She howled, before a familiar, stupid, vice-captain came rushing in.

"MAMA!" he yelled happily, as he attempted to _glomp_ her.

Soi Fon's eyes widened as she quickly flash stepped out of his way, and watched him land on the party of fourth squaders before her.

_At least he has SOME uses…_ She thought, before racing away from them, and back in the direction that the black-haired Shinigami, Axel, had run off in.

"After her!" One of the fourth squaders called after her, but could not get up with Marechiyo's weight.

Soi Fon continued to race away from them quickly, before making a left at a fork.

"You seem mad." A sudden, young voice said, making Soi Fon look to her side, where a short, silver-haired Shinigami was keeping with her pace, step-per-step.

"_Mad_?" She asked. "I am not mad." Soi Fon explained. "I'm _FURIOUS!_" She yelled as she quickened her pace, but the child kept up easily.

"Why? Because Hikaru used his _Ultra-Super-Mega-High Voltage-Not For Rent-Hyper-Giant-Zooming-Banana Flavoured-Awesome-Booming-Defeating-Indistructible-Peircing-Shiny-Uber-Duber- One of a Kind-Unstoppable-__Death-Bear Beam_?" She asked.

Soi Fon starred at her with a 'what' expression, before quickly turning to the right at a fork, the child still following.

"Ya know, if you really _are_ mad at him, then I wouldn't go this way if I were you…" She said cautiously.

Soi Fon let out a grunt of denial, as she sped faster in the same direction, the child slowing to a stop behind her.

"_Don't say I didn't warn you…!"_ She called after her, as Soi Fon continued to raise her speed. She had to find him, and _fast_! There was no telling when Yoruichi was going to appear…

_WHAM!_

Soi Fon collided with something cold, wet, and brown. She gasped for air as she attempted to pull herself out of the mess of whatever she was in; going at least ten feet in, considering how fast she had run into it… She quickly pulled herself back, just enough to use a reverse flash step, and dash out of her 'captor'. She slowly whipped the muck out of her eyes, and looked up at a _giant_, forty-foot _mud-man_!

She gapped from a moment, before looking up to the very top of the mud-man, and seeing a familiar, blonde Shinigami.

"Oh my…" He muttered, looking down at her.

"_YOU!_" She howled. "_GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"_ Soi Fon demanded.

Hikaru slowly opened his eye a crack, before twisting his face enough to look scared.

"_That's right!_" Soi Fon yelled. "You _should_ be scared!"

"I do not like heights…" Hikaru suddenly blurted out.

"What…?" Soi Fon mumbled.

"Uh oh…" Hikaru muttered, before leaning over, and barfing…

-

----------------------_The Day_: Destruction complete: Soi Fon's Room----------------------

-

Soi Fon slowly rocked back and forth on her bed; a nice, warm, white jacket wrapped around her…

"No more bears…" She muttered, as fourth squad captain, Retsu Unohana nodded her head.

"Yes, no more bears." She agreed, smiling as usual.

Soi Fon slowly looked up to her.

"Where did the bears go…?" She asked, eyes half lazed over.

"They are gone into another squad…mine in fact!" She answered cheerfully.

Soi Fon slowly nodded.

"Why is the bear gone…?" She asked, still shaking violently.

"Oh, no reason…there was just a miss-print in his filing, up in tenth squad, that is all." Retsu explained calmly.

"Misprint…?" Soi Fon questioned.

"Yes, apparently someone messed up, and sent a whole bunch of new Shinigami into the wrong squads. Hikaru is a good healer, though not fast; he belongs in my squad, more so than yours." Retsu said cheerfully. "They even misprinted when Yoruichi-sama was coming. She came _yesterday_, not today."

Soi Fon stopped shaking.

"Who messed up?" She asked, strictly.

"Who…?" Retsu murmured, before slowly standing up from her seat, and heading towards the door. "Why, Rangiku Matsumoto, of course." She said, before leaving the room, and shutting the door tight behind her.

Soi Fon's head shook violently, as her face turned red with anger.

There was only one thing to say at a time like this…

"_MATSUMOTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

_-_

* * *

-

So, how was that…? XP Man, sorry for the very late update…this chapter didn't even seem to turn out as funny as I hoped…though twice as long as the others… But I _did_ manage to finish it before Miffin's Birthday! So happy Birthday Miffin! Here's another present!

**Explination**: Why is Hikaru not dead, you may ask? It is quite simple really. He. Is. A. Freak. Hikaru is one of Miffin's healers...though hte slowest out of all of them...he is pretty good at his job, to my knowledge. He somehow countered the poison, and lost the tattoo. There's the simple, explination...Reason two, if he died, Miffin would kill _ME_...

Man, lucky day…first a pass my learner's test, and now I finish this chapter after two weeks of writer's block…happy day! (Dances)

Next chapter is squad eleven; I hope that it goes better than this chapter, since I already have ideas for it.

What happens when you put a Pudding loving baby into eleventh squad…? Who _really_ knows…guess you'll need to find out!


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